Sports, the Universe & a Healthy Dose of Cynicism in Portland

My Manning Face by Eli

Remember when we laid waste to our nemeses?

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’ve had a bad season. A real bad one. I might throw more interceptions than touchdowns and that’s bad, even for me. I’m writing this because I feel terrible.

But I’m also writing to say it’s not my fault.

Look, I feel like I’m held up to these high standards that just aren’t realistic for my talent level. Just because I shamed Tom Brady a few times in the Super Bowl doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve ever been an elite quarterback.

Have any of you even looked at my stats, like ever? Let me just say it myself — I’m a good quarterback, sure, on a good day against a bad team. But stop treating me like I’m my older brother.

I step it up come playoff time. Something about it. But that doesn’t mean I’m this guy who’s always gonna thread gorilla-glue passes through traffic onto crazy people’s helmets. So can we please just drop these high standards?

I'd rather Google "Can I has cake?" than "Manning Face."

I prefer “I has cake?” to “Manning Face” on Google

That doesn’t mean I don’t care. I do. And it hurts, reading some of the things people write about me. The Manning Face is the worst. When I threw four interceptions against my brother, I couldn’t sleep and went on Google. It was bad, I’ll admit it. The game, and the Google search.

Sorry people, but these captions are absurd. And unoriginal. Except maybe the one with Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog. And for all you Photoshopping haters out there, anybody looks stupid when you photograph them MID -BLINK. At least come up with something good if you’re going to snap single TiVo frames of me. Everyone knows what you’re doing. You’re a fraud, TONY ROMO.

Look, I’m not clueless. I scour the web for the best of my Eli frowns. I even have a few framed; these so called Manning Faces. Here’s the thing. Looking at some of these pictures makes me sad, because, well, they’re not indicative of how I really feel. I’m serious.

"Well played Tony."

“Well played Tony.”

I just can’t control my facial expressions. It’s always been that way. Look at those videos of me playing with my brothers. When they push me down, I’m happy. I’m loving the competition. But for some reason, I just start sobbing and crying. I don’t know why, but it’s always been that way. I just have really bad control over my facial expressions.

Those looks when I got picked off at Denver, Chicago and Philly? I wasn’t blaming Hakeem or Victor. I was sending them positive energy. In fact, I was sending the whole world positive energy. I was getting down to what matters.

I’m not stupid. I know there’s so much more to life than the NFL. With everyone turning into suicidal zombies nowadays, I’ve never been surer.

Nice route, Hakeem

Haters gonna hate

So forget that Manning Face. That face you think I made, the emotions you think I had. I love Hakeem. I love Victor. So what if they run the wrong routes?

Sometimes your receivers just don’t always go where the ball goes. I can’t control that. That’s life.

But those faces you see, I can’t control that either. In those moments, that’s all I had, all I’ll ever have. My face just can’t catch up to my mind. It moves so swiftly.

I’m tired of the Eli Looks. They’re not me. I’m a good guy. I like people, I really do. It’s starting to hurt.

Look, I’m trying. Can’t you?


4 Responses to “My Manning Face by Eli”

  1. Alcc

    So dumb. And aren’t Eli’s career stats up there with the all time greats.? Not a trick question. Yes. Yes they are. Eli Manning, the ultimate football IQ test. You just failed it.


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