Sports, the Universe & a Healthy Dose of Cynicism in Portland

Carmelo is not a Superstar. Old Yeller is Rabid. ESPN is a bunch o’ Thieving Nerd-Haters


Thoughts about last night’s Clippers-Thunder game.

1. Why are the Clippers so bad at defense sometimes?

2. Why don’t the Thunder axe ol’ Perk?

I can’t answer the first one. Only James Harden Forgives.

As far as the second: I mean, seriously, at this point it’s like watching the end of Old Yeller on repeat.

Skip the corn-crib-quarantine and just do it already.

We won’t harp on the Nets again, who sucked – again – and lost to the Bobcats.

The Pacers beat the Knicks to go to 10-1 and remain nationally overrated. I’m not saying I don’t like the Pacers, but they are not the insufferable greatness that is the Spurs. The Pacers also hadn’t played a team that was above-.500 until they lost to the Derrick-Rose-led-Somnam-Bulls

But the Knicks. They are bad.

Carmelo Anthony apparently isn’t getting “superstar” calls. His coach is complaining about it. So is Melo. Maybe though – like theoretically – Carmelo Anthony doesn’t get superstar calls because he’s not a superstar.

I guess neither he nor Coach Woodson are aware that there are 20 OTHER PLAYERS IN THE NBA with a higher PER than Melo Tony.

One of those players is MICHAEL BEASLEY.

Sorry Melo, I just don’t buy that you’re a superstar on basketball merits alone. Eye-test included. Okay, you’re definitely better than B-Easy and you have a beautiful offensive game and could probably score on those aquatic Balrogs from Pacific Rim.

But it’s been nearly 10 years and your defense hasn’t really come around and that – to me – says you probably don’t care that much about winning.

Let’s just say you’re probably the 10th best player in the league. Superstar calls are probably top 5 reserved.

You are, however, the Tracy McGrady Antithesis — your teams lose because of you despite relatively run-of-the-mill-luck; not in spite of you because of bad luck.

I miss you Tracy.

On a side note, I’m sorry that I can’t show you any of these PER stats I blindly reference.

Why, you ask???

Because many of the stats that pertain to quantitative basketball analysis – as well as most of the articles that so elegantly frame them – are hidden from the general public. Sports-gossip website ESPN makes you pay for them.

As if being a nerd wasn’t hard enough. Where’s Dork Elvis to pay for the lot of us? Hollinger? You sold out and ruined countless lives by RIPing your PER Diem for the Memphis Grizzlies. Please get us those stats for free.

ESPN does, however, incessantly subject us to front-page nonsense about A-Rod lawsuits and how Tiger is “competing” or “in the hunt” at some random tour event.

I can’t afford to pay for ESPN Insider — I steal it from my friend. Thanks Mark.

But if I could, I would rather put that nominal fee towards never hearing another word about Alex Rodriguez or Tiger Woods again.



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