Sports, the Universe & a Healthy Dose of Cynicism in Portland

Franco & Rogen nail it, Trailblazer style

Well done, Franco

Coors light commercials are terrible.

Sure, they look amazing. That’s because someone spent a lot of money on a helicopter, x-treme climbing and some fake beardsicles.

Don’t get me wrong. I wanna go hiking there, wherever they is.

But when you get down to it, what is the point of hiking a bunch of beers into a mountain-top worm-hole whose destination is a sports-bar fridge?

Wouldn’t you want a worm hole to lead to, I don’t know, another universe? At least another planet’s sports bar?

I don’t think worm holes could probably transport humans anyway, because the black hole’s force is so strong it would probably tear apart the fabric of human existence.

And what is the bar’s sell-rate here anyway? It takes them a millions years to hike these Coors Lights from wherever they come from. How many beers can they realistically dish out for the 49ers/Native American Murderers Redskins game?

What’s wrong with a regular fridge?

Water is a really important ingredient in beer, sure. Not a lot of people know that. So I don’t mind that the cold rocky mountain water is vital to Coors’ uniquely watered-down taste.

But why are the beers stored in some Himalayan mountain range? HOW DO THE TRUCKS GET THERE????

The only thing that would make sense if it was like a post-climb bar that was actually located in the middle of a majestic mountain range. Which just seems like a terrible business idea.

Anyway, the Coors light commercials are essentially a microcosm of the New York Knicks. They are annoying, expensive, pointless and they make no sense.

This year has been a total disaster. Last night, they let Damian Lillard Lebron dunk on them. Wesley Matthews was trading superstar shots with Melo Tony, only he wasn’t always getting blocked.

JR Smith has gone on record saying he is very panicked. JR Smith is probably as bad a teammate as he is at Tweeting.

Okay, look, the Knicks aren’t as bad as their record.

That was a joke. The sad thing is, they really are. This isn’t a rant. The truth is, they are probably the 5th worst team in the league.

Nothing helps back up their case for relevancy, especially not their advanced statistics. They are worse than the Bobcats, if we go by those.

The truth about the Knicks probably lies in….

That Kanye video

They’re completely unnecessary, dominating news-feeds for no reason, overrated and probably obsessed with porn, wolf-aura, nature and motorcycle rides.

Peel back the outer layers and you’ll find lazy, abysmal lyrics players too.

If I seriously have to hear a rapper mention a plane again in a song, I’ll lose it.

Look Kanye, being green is cool. Not planes. Clubs on a Thursday? Aren’t you busy printing white-t-shirts for $120 and flopping in the fashion world? Oh, it was a social experiment? My bad.

I don’t want to hear about sipping champagne and being thirsty. You know who the Notorious BIG is, right? You know he did that too, because birthdays used to be the worst days?

If you’re at a club on a Thursday, you can probably afford Fiji. Try and rhyme something with Fiji why don’t you?

Despite all this, the overall visual aspects are somewhat awesome and you get the idea that there might be a joke going on that you just don’t get quite yet…

Anyway, this is supposed to be a Trailblazers-based NBA blog.

The Trailblazers are about as relevant and sexy as that James Franco and Seth Rogen video. It’s the same video, of course, just slightly better.

It’s more evidently self-deprecating, slightly less self-indulgent, definitely more amusing, and the nature-footage is way more romantic.

James Franco is generally a bad actor when saying real serious lines. But he’s really good when he goes all silly.

I genuinely like him when he’s not trying to be good and is just bad.

He seems like a good guy, and I bet you he hates himself too for doing movies like Oz G&P or Homefront.

When he plays to his strengths, he’s entertaining and successful. So are the Blazers. They know that they’re nothing as a bunch of individual talents.

But if they don’t take themselves too seriously and play collective basketball, the result can be pretty sweet.

The Trailblazers, like that Franco/Rogen video, are a great example of what you’d want your team to be, flying high like an eagle on a sky-bound motorcycle.

The Knicks aren’t.


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